…but what IF?

WHAT. IF.

What if… I was at my goal weight?

What if… I had my “dream job”?

What if… I wasn’t drowning in debt?

What if… I wasn’t so tired all the time?

What if…

What if…

BUT WHAT… IF… ??????????

“What” … “If” … two very little words that plague our every day… our every thought… sometimes, our every moment. Or is it just me? I am so often caught in the tailwinds of comparison — the BIGGEST thief of our joy.

I had the most glorious Easter break with my little family. It was absolutely amazing being able to be home and spend extra moments with my baby, husband, and doggies. And last night as I realized I had to come back to work this morning I let the mind-numbing fear, worry, and anxiousness set in…

What if I could just stay home? (Would I be any good at being a SHM?) What if I didn’t bring in a paycheck… would we be able to pay our bills? (Nope. That’s a negative) What if we just ran away into the woods and never came back, is that even possible? (Nope. That’s running away, you loser.)

And that’s just a LITTLE bit of the real life banter I have with myself on a daily basis. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Am I alone in this?

I’m living in what feels like the most confusing and uneasy season of my young life so far. As if I’m literally drowning in the chaos all around me. It’s unsettling and very difficult to remain joyful… to remain THANKFUL… when I don’t feel sturdy in the circumstances. I feel like I’m falling over and over again, and as I call and yell and cry out for the Lord to change the circumstances around me He has chosen not to yet.

BUT WHAT IF… God?

WHAT IF I’M RIGHT AND YOU’RE WRONG?
…haha, how many times do we say that and He just shakes His head at us???

WHAT IF I WOULD JUST QUIT ________?
WHAT IF I JUST IGNORE WHAT YOU SAY?
WHAT IF I CHOOSE TO DO IT MY WAY?
WHAT IF …

what if I quiet my loud, anxious, worrisome heart and listen to what You are whispering to my heart? and WHAT IF instead of being so bullheaded, I lower myself and choose to elevate Your call? WHAT if, in the midst of all the chaos, I willingly CHOOSE to cling to You and to TRUST that You have me exactly where I am meant to be?

It’s difficult, isn’t it? Quieting our selfish hearts so that we can, even if just for a brief moment, feel that resonating peace and calm that comes from knowing without a shadow of a doubt that ALL things WILL and DO work together in our lives for the good and beautiful purpose God has for us… I know it’s crazy difficult for me! Especially in the midst of new mommy life mixed with exhausted wife and overwhelmed teacher life.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
-Matthew 11:28, ESV

COME to me… all who LABOR & are HEAVY LADEN << check and CHECK!
I love this verse and the reassurance it brings in the middle of the tumultuous storms of life. BEING a new mommy, it makes me think of 8 months ago the labor I endured with my dear little one. I was so adamant on having a natural, medicine-free, “the way God intended it” labor that I was so blinded by the beauty in all He has designed for us to have readily available. Long story short (maybe later I can share my labor and delivery story… it was definitely one of the most beautiful days of my life!) — because I was so determined (read: bullheaded) to do it MY way (wasn’t that GOD’S WAY?) I was blind to the way an epidural could actually help me. I was fighting my body every minute and every contraction, which I had been doing for about a day already by the time they admitted me, and was barely progressing along. The nurses kept encouraging me to not write off an epidural. The more I thought about it, the more disappointed I became in myself for “giving up” and “giving in” because I was ready to throw in the towel and have the stupid thing already… which made me “weak” and “pathetic.” I remember crying to my husband after the nurse left the room and apologizing for not being “strong enough” to do it on my own.

I’d been fighting contractions and labor for a good solid 5 hours since admitted in the hospital by the time they gave me the epidural. Within 4 hours of receiving the epidural, my body was able to DO ITS THING without my FIGHTING it and my sweet baby boy arrived with just a mere 40ish minutes of pushing.

Now, do I wish I could’ve done it au naturale? Of course. But God was teaching me a lesson through that experience. Because I AM so bullheaded and determined, I often miss Him showing me point blank all He is going to provide – which every time is ALL I need.  But because “I am woman hear me roar” I often miss His gentle nudgings and try to do everything on my own strength. After all, like a good parent, He lets me attempt to “figure it out on my own.” After 28 beautiful years, you’d think I’d realize by now… there’s none of this “but what if I’m right and You’re wrong, God? Why won’t You just listen to ME and let me have my way?” Because it’s ALWAYS better His way and because we never have to do “life” on our own! Whether in the moment I can see it or not.

WHAT IF…
We quieted our hearts and let God lead us today?

WHAT IF…
We took our burden, our load of labor, our tiredness to the only One who can give us rest?

WHAT IF…
Instead of being afraid of drowning in the falling, we realize that through Jesus we are MORE than conquerors and we WILL rise and SOAR?

WHAT IF…
instead of feeling exhausted, alone, unloved, and unworthy we embrace the beautiful mess that is mommahood and start to look through a lens of gratefulness?

Let God lead you today where He wants to take you… trusting Him even if all around you is a maddening chaos.

What are you holding captive under the crippling “what if” today?
How can I pray for you to feel God taking that into His hands so that you can rest?
Share the JOY you find in this day, as together we shift our attitude to one of gratitude. 

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